The UnRomantic Queen
By: Kathryn Magendie

 

Once upon a time, in a land up high, there lived a Queen who walked about the mountain land in a daze of her inner wonderland.

One day very close to Valentines Day, or as the Queen called it, “That stupid day where people pretend to be romantic, bleah, bah humbug,” the King went on a trip to a mysteriously eerie swamp-land calledSouth Louisiana. Whilst the King was away, the Queen danced and sang about the Royal log house, because there were no manly-sized fingerprints on the royal stainless steel, nor were there fallen dribbles from cooking, and, to royally boot, the entire bedchamber was the Queen’s and Queen’s alone. “Am I in heaven?” the Queen boastificated.

But Hark! There came the morning when the Queen looked upon her larder in the Frigidaire, and alas and alack but there were no more greens, there was no more yogurt; and on the royal counter, there were no more apples; and in the most high royal pantry, there were no more Cheerios, and only two slices of royal bread. The Queen, in a panic, summoned her minions, but with panic she realized she had no minions, just two lazy dogs who, by the way, were almost out of their royal pain dog food!

The Queen fretted and moaned and gnashed her teeth. Where did these wondrous and nutritional items come from if not from minions? Surely they did not appear out of the misty mountain air? The Queen sat her quite-shapely-for-her-age (if you write it, it is true) rump upon her stately throne and thought and thought, and the thoughts became more thoughts, and those thoughts went off into tangents of thoughts until her brain squeezed and she had to blink and give her head a shake and pronounce, “Where were art I?”

At last, she recollected her mind, and sighed. She postulated most postulatingly, “Yes, my larder is bare. I have none of the precious foodstuffs that I daily enjoy.” But then! The horrors of the land came down upon her when she realized with a start, and a dismayed “Augh!” that there was soon to be no more Charmin to be had in theLandofMountains.

“Oh, Oh, whatever will I do?” The Queen sobbed. She paced the little log royal castle, wringing her royal hands.

At last, it came to her, how these things suddenly appeared to the royal homestead. The King! Yes! The King went to the village and pillaged the Ingles Supermarket and brought forth his bounty for the Queen’s enjoyment so the Queen never had to leave her mountaintop. The Queen pondered and pontificated and gasped and ballyhooed.

And when the King returned from his quest from the wet mooshy land of yore, she ran to him and rained upon his face kisses, and said, “My King! My King! Get thee to Ingles quickly, for my cupboard is bare!” And the King set off without complaint, off to the village to pummel and plunder for his Queen. And his Queen was ever so ever grateful, even if she sometimes doesn’t show the King thusly so.

Though she be ever so UnRomantic, this Valentines Day, the Queen allows that her King is Wonderful.

The End.