I was robbed last night as I left the grocery store. The guy had no weapons on him, or at least he didn’t brandish any. He just walked over as I was placing bags in my trunk and said, “I’ll take those groceries, and nothing will happen.”

I looked at him, and wasn’t scared at all. He had a pleading kind of look in his eyes, so it was obvious he wasn’t really schooled in the fine art of theft. Not to mention, the lot was pretty busy. All I had to do was scream. Not to mention, I’ve lived here 20+ years, and there just isn’t any kind of violent crime. And funny that he wasn’t asking for my wallet, my jewelry, nothing but my bags of groceries.

So I asked why he’d want my groceries. Did he own a dog? He said no, he just wanted to feed his kids on Christmas. I said, “Boy, did you come to the wrong place.” I showed him all of the stuff in the bags, which were about 99% dog treats, and one onion and one jug of milk.

He looked so defeated, I couldn’t stand it. I’d just gotten forty dollars back from the cashier in the store for spending money over the weekend. I took out my wallet, gave him the forty dollars (which I sure as hell couldn’t afford to give away) and said, “Here. Go buy your kids food for Christmas. Legally!”

And then my robber thanked me so profusely I was almost afraid he’d fall to his knees. But I just said, “Merry Christmas, now go buy your kids a great supper, and for God’s sake don’t rob anyone else.”

And then I watched as he kind of straightened up and strutted proudly into the store, cash in pocket to buy his kids a cool supper.

I have to say, that was the lamest robbery on record that I’ve ever heard of. Although I was out $40, he could have demanded all the cash in my wallet, could have forced me to hand over my rings (one of which is diamonds and emeralds and is valued at $2,500, but is more precious to me than monetary value because of its history), could have been a real thug. He wasn’t. He was just desperate. And it broke my heart that he had to stoop to trying to steal someone’s groceries so he’d have food for his kids. Also made me happy he didn’t have a dog, since mine would be pretty upset if I came home empty-handed.

 

Trish Jensen, PROBABLY the biggest sucker on earth…